My cunning plan to lose weight

It seems to me that my wannabe fat self (lets call her Lard) has been making some sneaky moves on my wannabe thin self (I'll call her Beyonce!). I really don't recall giving Lard permission to drag me towards biscuits, crisps and cheesecake - whilst keeping away from the gym on the flimsiest of excuses. "Your trainer lace is broken." - I have spares, somewhere, or "If you go now you might be late back and you'll miss checking with your dental hygienist on facebook..".

All the time Beyonce, bless her, has been under the impression that she has, by and large, been sticking to the straight and narrow -avoiding chips and dumplings, whilst leaping on her bike frequently and pedalling pretty furiously. Beyonce - and I'm with her on this one - is gutted to find that the weight is going the wrong way; 8 pounds - and that's on the kind and friendly scales. The gloating scales can just sit there and 'wait' for the moment. I'm going nowhere near them.

But, as I mentioned, I have a cunning plan. This is based on trickery and deception. Lard will not know what's slithered off her until she's just a mere globule of fat.  And here is an example of how it will work.

It's 4.30 pm and Beyonce is putting the finishing touches to her work for the day.  A tick here, a tick there and a shimmy across the floor as she sings to John who has come to replace the light bulb.  Soon it will be time for home.

At this point Lard, in that rather devious and manipulating little voice of hers, pipes up.  "Oooh don't forget that you need to go to the staff room to pay for those sweeties you had yesterday.  You know the white chocolate mice.  Have you forgotton that all the profit goes to charity?  And such a good cause too.... maybe you should get some more?"

Beyonce though is ready! "Yes Lard Great Ormond Street Hospital is a good cause isn't it.  However, I think I could better support them by taking part in a fun run.  So I'm going to get into training by jogging home this evening - up that steep hill."

"No, no!" shrieks Lard " You might hurt yourself.  You're too old and unfit. Anyway, you've got too much work to carry home in that bag of yours."

But Beyonce has the final word.  "Lard - I have a flash pen, with all my latest lyrics and toons on.  I don't need any heavy books in my bag, just a song in my heart and a spring in my step.  And I'll put the money in the sweet box tomorrow.  Come on let's go.  Got me lookin so crazy right now..."

Thus will I defeat slobbery old Lard and allow Beyonce to sing and dance her heart out, in a lightened up sort of way.  Wish us luck:)